Do Our Children Rule Our Lives?

It was presented to us this Sunday that people in our society idolize children. Back in the day (I figure this to be before 1960), children were meant to be seen and not heard. My father has reminded us that on a number of occasions. He has talked about how adults got together and children were then expected to find something to do on their own-quietly. They sat at a different table to eat. Parents were not expected to listen or entertain them. There were unspoken rules on behavior and you just "did" without having to be told-or else. I am not saying that this should be the way it is today, but I cannot help but wonder if we have not indeed swung in the complete opposite direction.

Let's take a case in point. My husband, Stallion. When not working the night shift, he is either 1. sleeping or 2. interacting with our children. He is a wonderful dad, but I almost see him as my children's playmate and entertainer. I will even go so far as to say that my boys' friends have asked if my husband can "come out to play." When my boys have friends sleepover, my husband is frequently asked to entertain them. He will chase them around the yard, throw the ball (whatever sport ball is in season), take them somewhere, or play video games with them. I am never asked. Perhaps it is because I am a girl, or more likely, because they know I won't. I am the one they come to for drinks, snacks, meals, and treats. If they have an injury, it's me. My husband is invited into the elite children's circle. a place I don't belong.

This has, at times, caused some issues in our relationship. I am, how shall I say it, high maintenance. I enjoy nice clothes, good food, good company, and adult time. As much as I love my children and care for their needs, I do not feel my whole being revolves around how I can provide nurturing stimulation for them. Maybe it is because of this detachment, I have noticed that today's youth (including my own) lack the boundaries that children once had. They refer to adults by their first names (Hey Jenny!) or they have no qualms about interrupting us while we are on the phone or even talking to another adult in person (hey mom?, excuse me, excuse me, mom?, mom?). They don't open doors for others, they burp at the table, or fart. They don't address others when they are spoken to, they don't know how to write a thank you note on paper, and basically, lack the social etiquette necessary to be considered appropriate. I often ponder how to allow my children to have fun, be boys, and at the same time, raise them so they become productive members of society capable of providing another human being with a fulfilling relationship. I am raising future men, after all. They will be someones boyfriend, husband, father, co-worker and I want them to experience joy in their lives.

That leads me to a possible solution. We need to introduce beginning socialization classes, or etiquette classes, into our children's lives. Not just telling them what to do, like in the past, but explaining to them WHY we do those things. Respect shown for others around us is respect shown for ourselves. Part of that is teaching them how to behave on their own, entertain themselves, and not rely on others to constantly provide for their nonessential needs. As I write this, Stallion is packing up all the supplies necessary for my boys to attend a weekend of basketball, hotel reverie, and skiing. Whoopee! I actually am looking very forward to this weekend, but I can hear my boys now if they read this- "Aw mom, you're no fun."

The Tables Have Turned

Today, I am at my mothers house. She has had knee replacement surgery this week, and my husband and I thought I could help her out for a few days while she recovered. My father is still in the house, but I think it is difficult for him to take on a caregiving role right away, he needs to have an adjustment period where he can acclimated to what is expected of him. In other words, my mother is not the best patient.

My father and I picked her up at the hospital and she was waiting on the side of the bed ready to go. She was a stellar patient in the hospital, doing her exercises, taking her medications, and hardly ringing the call bell at all. She insisted upon our arrival to the hospital that we go directly to Sam's Club to get some groceries-was she serious? She was. She had taken a pain med and was ready to take on the world. Instead, she took on Sam's, motoring around on one of those electronic carts and terrorizing the other customers. She wasn't heeding the warning not to drive around under the influence. Everyone survived and we made it home.

Today, she insisted on getting up her stairs to take a shower. Dad didn't like the idea, I was not sure. She won. It went well, but afterwards when she wanted to spend time on her computer, I put my foot down and insisted she take on the role of patient-what was I doing here anyway? She complied like a normal stellar patient would.

Taking care of my mom is a privilege and honor. After all the years of having been cared for by she and my dad, it is nice to return just a fraction of that favor back. It's also been nice having some time caretaking that doesn't involve diapers........well,yet anyway. I love you mom.

Overcoming My Obsessiveness With Germs

I never really liked dirt, even as a little girl. My
mother would say that I wore dresses and tights
and didn't really like to play in or touch the dirt. I was what you would call a girly-girl. As I got older, I did remain clean, just not very neat. As a teen, I grew up in a Victorian home full of beautiful things, but you couldn't see anything under the heap of clothes, shoes, stuffed animals, and bedding in my room. When I ventured out on my own as an adult, I became a clean and neat freak. My mom told me that she was worried when I was a teen that I would never outgrow that messy phase. She's proud at how I turned it around. To this day, I remain a little bit of a clean/neat freak. With all my boys, it's hard to entertain my obsessive tendencies towards having everything being tour-ready in my home. I also am unable to control the level at which my children subject themselves to our world and all its germs, bacteria, and viruses. Stallion will often jest with me that I can't keep my boys in a bubble, so I need to let it go. I have, but can still get shocked, like when my kids put candy that was on the floor in their mouths. Or the time one of them took a piece of ABC gum from who-knows-where and stuck it in their pie-hole. At these times, I feel like having them swish with bleach but as a nurse, am aware of the problems that this would cause. I will then settle for a good mouth brushing, then observing them for symptoms of what just HAD to be carried on that yummy find.



On our recent trip to Gatlinburg, Noah (that's him above), tested my germphobia. We were walking down the main street when I all of a sudden heard my husband cry out, "No Noah Don't!" From then on, everything was in slow motion. I turned and said "WHAAAAAT HAAAAPPEEENED?" Stallion said,"You dooooon't waaaaan't to knoooooow." I then turned to Noah and my mouth dropped. In his mouth was a whole new set of those goofy plastic teeth that kids wear on Halloween. He was happy as a lark. I was grossed out and thinking how long it would be before I could safely kiss him again. I also thought that he would need careful observation to make sure his face or body didn't respond to some crazy microbe. Well, he lived and didn't even get sick. Thank goodness for small favors. The lesson is: kids and germs go together and sometimes we just need to let it go a little. I kissed him that same day.

Gifts From My Man-"Stallion"

Alright, I will admit it: I LOVE getting presents. I like to pretend to myself that presents aren't important and that I don't need anything (which I don't), but I truly love receiving gifts. Sometimes it's hard for me to contain my excitement upon the receiving of these gifts. I will do the following: save my gifts to open for last in order to keep the anticipation high, smile from ear to ear and maybe giggle to myself, or stare wide-eyed at package and touch it periodically to make sure that it still exists. After it is opened, I also have to contain my thanks to the giver lest they feel like they are being accosted or are likely to experience great bodily harm. Often, I will just give a big smile, say thanks, then secretly look forward to the person leaving so I can ponder the gift.

My husband is one of the best gift-givers I have ever known. I have often expressed to him that he should offer classes to those husbands that have difficulty deciphering from her chatter what she would love and who seem to have a hard time finding their wife's gift. Every Christmas I will find boxes placed at the last minute under the tree that are for me from him. I can't wait. One year, he suggested we not buy for each other. This idea was shot down faster than a duck during hunting season. I explained how I looked forward to what he chose and every time I looked at the item, or wore it, I thought of him and his care in picking something out for me. Sometimes, those gifts are beautiful clothes that I would never buy myself because I am too cheap, or jewelry that again, I could never see spending the money on. The point is: he listens. I have found that I actually have to be careful what I say sometimes or I might receive that gift of the Chia herb garden that I mentioned I was curious about.

My friends are at times envious at my husbands gift-giving expertise. One has also made the mistake of verbalizing out loud that her husband should take lessons from Stallion (yes Tina, that's you). I honestly feel that the lesson to be learned is to listen. Giving that great gift is all about picking up little cues and looking at the person it is intended for. Gifts are definitely not what this season is about, but boy oh boy I can't wait to get mine from Heath. I'll get back to you on what it is.

Family Vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee-Yippee!

Our family usually enjoys traveling the end of October, but once we heard about the winter celebration in Gatlinburg, we decided to travel the beginning of December to this getaway in the Smokies. Gatlinburg is about 13 hours away, and yes, we drove it. This was an experience in itself, but we'll save that for another post. Gatlinburg reminds me of Wisconsin Dells for those of you live in this wonderful state and have been there. While Gatlinburg is nicely nestled at the foot of the Smokies, it has been turned into a tourist town with plenty of fudge and old-time photo shops. I absolutely loved our resort (the Westgate Smokey Mountain Resort) and loved the mountains. Hiking was a true delight and the waterfalls were phenomenal. I highly recommend taking the drive that transverses the mountain range into North Carolina for great picture taking and views. Restaurants were plenty and satisfied all tastes, and of course, Ripley's has taken over a good deal of the entertainment choices, so you can see their many different attractions.

Do I recommend this trip? Well, sort of. The mountains are SO majestic that it is hard not to fall in love with the area immediately and think that you could live there off the land like they did on Little House on the Prairie, but in reality, I am a small-city girl and would never be happy like that. Time with the family is never a waste, even if we sometimes feel like referees during Friday Night Smackdown. Vacations also make you appreciate the comforts of your home and the friends you left behind. Hearts grow fonder for all things home.

Mixed Feelings in An Aging Mother

I realized I haven't poured out my thoughts in a few days. I am having mixed feelings this morning over two issues. One, my body is not functioning like it used to and I am disappointed in this fact. I turn 39 in a couple of weeks and my mind still feels SO young, but today, I went to exercise and my back feels like that of a hunched 100 year old. You know, my mom used to talk about this when I was in my teen years and early 20's and I used to think, "is THIS all they have to talk about-aching bodies, sick friends, body functions not functioning?" For some reason, I now feel justified to talk about the same and talk about it with everyone, mind you.


Second, I am a little sad today because I sent my youngest boy (age 3) off to school for morning classes. In our language-rich home environment he has not flourished and needs help with speech and development related to that area. This creates in me some mixed feelings: he is SO young and I don't feel like he should need to start "learning" quite yet, but I also want him to be at the same levels of development as others his age, and apparently, he is not getting the necessary tools at home. Maybe my sadness is just a realization that there are no others to cling to my leg, cry for more juice, or screech for a snack every 10 minutes. I need to develop other interests. Maybe this is a good time to set aside for my "job" of blogging. I could also get back in the routine of exercise. I could read, get organized, cook food, bake, clean house, email friends, make phone calls-the list is endless!!! Sometimes the joy in what could be a sad occasion, comes from thinking about all the possibilities of what could be. Maybe I'll finally get my floors clean. Maybe tomorrow.

Submission in a Marriage?-What Does THAT mean?

Submission. Even saying the word in my head does not bode well. It feels almost "icky" and makes me scrunch my face. Why is that? The dictionary definition refers to submission as giving up, or surrendering. It is the condition of being humble or obedient. As I am a visual learner, all I can conjure up are my dogs trying to let each other know who's boss by mounting or nipping and growling. This doesn't spark warm fuzzies, or thoughts of sugarplums and candy canes. According to the Bible, wives are to submit to their husbands. I had to wonder, was God kidding?

At the beginning of my marriage, as in most peoples marriages that I have spoken to, there seems to be a period of turmoil before there is a settling down. I remember a particularly tumultuous time where I believe my Hoover was kicked down the stairs at my angry, but unsuspecting husband much to his dismay and my own, at the knee-jerk reflex I was capable of. Mind you, I was pregnant at the time and incapable of much self-control when really upset. Soon after, I realized something would have to change if we were to succeed in this marriage and although I really wanted to think that it would have to be my husband, I was smart enough to realize that it had to start with me. He also wasn't being very receptive to my constructive suggestions about the flaws he should work on.

While watching TV one afternoon, a segment came on that was featuring a female writer that had written a book on surrendering in your marriage. I am sure the title is similar to that, but I am unsure as I write this. I knew I had to read it and ordered it soon after. It began the change in me. Often, I challenge my "stallion," especially because he likes to run free and wild with his mouth and often say things like "I command you" when he is jesting with me. He knows it gets my fur up and claws out and I will often respond with something G-rated (of course) like "no one COMMANDS me." I am wrong, though. We are commanded every day in life. I took an oath when I said my vows that binds me to, among other things, consider my husband above others and to listen, assist, and stay with him through the good, bad, and dirty-diapery. I need to accept his leadership and believe in him, while being free to offer to him my opinions and feelings on a matter. Through the years, I have come to depend on him. He does not fail me, and ultimately, I am entrusted to him for him to care for for the rest of our lives. If I believe in him, trust him, and understand the part I play in our marriage to make it a wonderful and joyous part of life, I must submit. This is not to say that I roll over and allow him to bite and nip me (notice what I left out), but that I understand the dynamics of our relationship and have a responsibility to do my part to make it work.

Others have mastered submission in marriage more so than myself. For me, it is a struggle to balance my strength and my pride with my ability to submit. The joy, I have to remind myself, is in the journey that life brings us on. Growth doesn't happen overnight, and for me, can sometimes take decades. More on this later. Woof woof!

The Christmas Season Has Begun

It's official! The Christmas season has begun. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that come November 1st, Christmas has begun at the Van Gysel house. My decorations are brought out and the transformation begins. The CD's are all switched to Christmas tunes and the seasonal movies are moved to the front of the cabinet. I also begin to read all the Christmas books we have in the boys' shelves to them at night before bed. What about Thanksgiving you ask? Well, I still believe in giving thanks and celebrating with the usual feast, but as for decorating, it's all about Christmas.

My children have learned that this is also the time when all the Christmas toy catalogs come out. The lists begin to pour from their little minds and hands as they claim every toy to be what they really want for the holiday. I find myself discouraging the toys that will require batteries of any kind and number or toys that will compete with the noise level in our active home. I also have to bring them down from the clouds and remind them that while the holiday will bring some gifts, the actual meaning is in the celebration of the birth of Christ. That can be difficult in today's world, where many would like to take out the religious aspect all together. I also have to reinforce the need to help others and give to others, especially those who will not be receiving a gift. Recently, we were discussing the reality of Santa and my children, ages 10, 8, and 5 were discussing the idea that since Santa is supposed to deliver a present to everyone on Christmas Eve, we didn't HAVE to get a gift for anyone else-he would take care of it. You can see now why I have to start early. It takes a couple of months just to get the true spirit of the season into their hearts.

So, the season for us has begun. I would love to hear from anyone who also feels the same and tell me what you do this time of year to feel the joy. Merry Christmas!

New York Review-Fun in The Big Apple!

Our trip to New York City was a great success. I highly recommend a visit for all of you who truly love a city vacation. There were so many exciting things to see and interesting people to meet and observe. Some of our favorite adventures follow. Enjoy.






Ah, Central Park in fall. I have to admit we were all very impressed with the beauty of it. An oasis amidst all the business of the city. We thoroughly enjoyed our walk through it. Funny- mentioning the walking, I do have to share that for the 4 days we were there, we spent most of the time walking. My sister-in-law wore her pedometer and we clocked 50miles around the city-JUST walking. The boys were actually great sports about it after a new pair of shoes for one and Red Bull for both. Walking is really the only way to get the most out of seeing the city.

The subway certainly provides a different form of transportation and entertainment. As it was Halloween weekend, we did expect to find people dressed up in costume. As we were obtaining our Metro cards for an early morning subway ride, I was poked in my back 3 times only to turn and see that next to me, was a young man 3/4 naked, dressed in a Chippendale tie, cuffs, and bikini. He got on our subway and ended up standing right next to us. I couldn't avoid commenting to him how daring that costume was and ask him where he put the money for the subway. He proceeded to share how he got stranded at a friends with no other clothes and now needed to get a pair of sweats purchased-FAST. I agreed. My boys just gawked at first, then acted as if they see it all the time on the streets of Waupaca, WI.

Of course, we visited all the usual sights. I found myself answering many questions as to why the sights didn't look quite the same as the movies they were featured in. The most disappointing being the Central Park Zoo. My children, who have watched Madagascar too many times to mention, were wondering where Marty, Gloria, Alex, and Marvin were. The zoo didn't even have any of these animals, but my children noticed that the clock in the movie was actually there. Thank you for small favors.

Lastly, we enjoyed the local wildlife. J and J (the boys) terrorized the pigeons, squeeled when a rat ran across the sidewalk in front of us one night, and admired all the New York "city" dogs. The reward of travel comes when my children realize how fortunate they are and empathize with those who don't have what most of us do. This trip taught them much, made them laugh, forced exercise (lots of it), and provided an experience I hope they never forget. You may hear more later as I share an embarrassing event that happened to me. Being able to laugh at ourselves is a true gift. WE LOVED NYC but it's good to be home.

Finding the Joy: Spending time together, especially while traveling, is a true blessing. We are thankful for the safe travel.

Church Etiquette and My Children

Since it is Sunday, I thought I would write a little about my children's church etiquette. Over the years, this has varied like the personalities of each one of my 5 boys. I've had the sleeper, the color book kid, the kid who loved the daycare/school program, and now, the kid who just won't go to church. Well, that's not entirely true. This last child has now been attending the service for about 2 months, due to being armed with a bag of crackers, bottle of water, and an army of guys. But prior, I don't think I went to church for about 8 months because frankly, it was just too distracting. Not only did I feel a little sorry for anybody who was unfortunate enough to be sitting within the same 30 seat radius, but I felt sorry for myself. It would start about 2 blocks away from the church when he would notice the roof of the building. The crying and screaming "NO!" would commence. He would cling to his booster chair as I would be pulling on his legs and trying to be cordial and greet others as they walked by, smiling all the while. My husband or I would then hoist him over our shoulder and carry him in. Amongst crying, grabbing, latching on, and screaming at the daycare workers, we would try to soothe him and encourage happy participation in his age-appropriate program. He didn't buy it. The other boys caught on soon enough and all were asking if they could skip out of their classes. I decided home church would be in order till they graduated from high school. Well, we have once again ventured out to worship in public. I hope everyone can take pity on us and be understanding when my child wails out during a meaningful prayer or passes gas during the sermon. After all, at least we got him in there.

Finding the Joy: It always feels good to get an understanding look from someone who's been there.